Marriage and Money

So these ideas have been rolling around in my head all weekend and I just have to share them.  I guess I should back up and give the whole story.  In case you haven't guessed it yet. I am a huge Dave Ramsey fan.  He is a nationally syndicated TV and talk radio host who has inspired millions to change their lives and finances.  My husband and I used his common sense methods of paying off our debt.  It's his ideas that have inspired me to become a financial counselor in the first place because I see how they have changed not only our finances but our marriage. So it only makes sense that I be trained by him and his team.  In April  I will be going to Nashville for a week of intense boot camp financial training.  Last week I got all my training materials that I have to go through in preparation for this.  It's a comprehensive 13 lesson program that he calls Financial Peace University (FPU for short).  There are classes held all over the country.  You just pick a class being held in your area, register on his website and they send you the materials.  For the price of $200, your spouse attends free and you get a lifetime membership so you can go back as many times as you need or want.  This may seem like a lot of money but he quite often has memberships discounted 40% or 50%.  Right now he has a special for $129 and at least a few times a years he sells them for $99.  I would highly recommend this if you are looking for more than just reading a book.  It's a 13 week commitment but well worth the effort.  Anyway, I got the home study version with the entire DVD and Audio library of all the lessons. My husband wanted to watch the DVD's with me and so far we've watched the first 2 lessons.  Can I just say, WOW!  They are both informative and entertaining.


We are also reading a book (that I have quoted) called More Than Enough: 10 keys to changing your financial destiny by Dave Ramsey.  This book is an absolute home run as far as I'm concerned.  It gets into the nitty gritty of the powerful emotions behind money and finances- including marriage issues.  Which is what this post is really about. (Sorry for the long intro.)  As we all know, money fights and money problems are the leading cause of divorce in this country.  Depending what stats you look at, this is sited as the primary reason for divorce in 55% to 70% of the cases.  Everyone seems to know this fact, but these statistics haven't changed in decades.  Well I take that back they have probably increased.  So I want to dedicate the rest of this post to marriage and money.


Obviously (and thankfully) men and women are different.  They are different in many things but especially how they view and handle money.  Men typically see money as a utilitarian means to an end, while women see it much more emotionally, as security.  With financial problems men tend to lose self-esteem, they feel like they've failed their families.  Women tend to feel fear or terror because of the lack of stability and security.  These differences may seem too great to bridge the gap.  But they really compliment each other if you learn how to work together.  That is why this week's tip of the week is about goals and vision.  This is vital to the success of a marriage because if you don't have a shared vision for your future, you will always be trying to pull one another in different directions and once that starts happening the resentment and anger sets in.  It can be a downward spiral unless you correct it by getting on the same page with your hopes and dreams, including financial goals.  This weekend I was particularly struck by the chapter in More Than Enough called "The you in 'unity' is silent".  It is a fabulous chapter about working together in your marriage to solve problems that arise, instead of undermining each other.


Typically in marriage there is a nerd (the control freak who does all the budgeting and bill paying and calculating)  and a free spirit (the easy going, creative and couldn't care less about a budget type).  Quite often the nerd is also a saver, while the free spirit is a spender.  Or they could be reversed where the nerd is a spender who tries to out-earn his or her stupidity and the free spirit/saver, who is very insecure because there is no money in the bank.  Whatever your combination, you must recognize these positions to be able to work through the problems and feelings that arise when it comes to managing the money.  The only way you will truly have harmony in your finances is to work together.  That means the nerds have to loosen up and give the free spirit a vote in how the money is spent.  Change the amounts around together.  The free spirit has a vote even though he or she isn't the one to actually execute the plan by paying the bills.  The free spirit, on the other hand, must come to the table and actually look at the budget that the nerd has prepared, not leaving their nerd to shoulder all the responsibility.  This process leaves little room for complaint on the part of both parties.  If you need to change things, do it. Just remember to be realistic.  You can't spend your utility bill money on going out for a night on the town.  Things still have to balance...after all we're not in congress!