Happy Marriages

Yes, I have marriage on the brain.  I attended the wedding of my oldest nephew yesterday.  In honor of that special event I thought I would share some of what I teach to newlyweds while coaching them.  I do not profess to be an expert on marriage, but I've found these simple keys to have helped in my own marriage.  As a further disclaimer, I am a Christian and so I address the spiritual aspects of money and marriage.  Whether or not you agree is up to you.  I teach this because I know it works.

6 Keys to a Happy and Successful Marriage

1. Draw closer to God- by becoming individually closer to God, you will become closer to each other.  Do this by making it a priority to:

Pray together daily

Read scriptures regularly

Attend church together

Pay a full tithe

I know these are really simple things to do, but they lay the spiritual foundation for the marriage.  They are the glue that holds you together through good times and bad.

2. Learn to communicate- Take some time each day to talk about how your day went.  This makes excellent pillow talk conversation and is a great reason to go to bed at the same time.  It’s also a great way to end the day.

Women: your husband is not telepathic and never will be.  If you want or need something, tell him.  Men do not take subtle hints.  Never assume he knows what you need from him.  Also verify with him that he understands what you said.

Men: Actually listen to what your wife is saying.  Don’t just tune her out and smile and nod.  This is insulting.

If you can’t communicate about simple everyday things the bigger, harder issues will not bode well for your marriage. 

3. Be Honest- Your life should be an open book to your spouse. Absolutely NO secrets! This breeds insecurity and distrust, which are the forerunners of divorce.

4. Learn each other’s love language- Knowing how we give and show love to one another is vital.  If you don’t feel loved by your spouse, it can be hard to give love back.  The 5 main languages are:

Physical Touch

Verbal (words of praise)

Service (acts of kindness)

Gifts

Quality Time

5. Work together on family finances-Disagreements about money are the #1 cause of divorce.  Sadly, this is only the symptom of the underlying problem- a lack of communication.  This should be a shared responsibility, not shouldered by one or the other.  Even though one spouse will handle the mechanics of the process, each of you has a vote in where your money goes.  Don’t use tantrums, or bullying tactics as a means to get your way.  Be honest and mature about your situation.  This requires good communication and work, but your marriage will be all the better for it.

6. Take time to court each other- It doesn’t have to cost money.  Go for a walk together, write notes for each other’s lunches, watch a movie at home; as long as it preserves and develops your friendship.

I know these are simple concepts, but whether you've been married a day or 50 years they still ring true.  Please take the time to nurture your marriage daily.  I guess it's the optimist in me but I firmly believe a marriage can survive anything, so long as there are two willing parties to weather the storms.

Tip & Quotes of the Week July 23-30

Mortgage Scams

We all know if something sounds to good to be true, it probably is. Scams of any type often have this as an underlying foundation. They prey on greed, fear, and ignorance. Mortgage scams have become the pinnacle of scams lately. So take care not to fall for them, they are everywhere and in many forms.

Homework:

If you are struggling to make your house payment, you are not alone. No matter what the cause of your present condition or no matter how hard things are, contact your lender first. Be leery of companies or software who make outlandish promises to be able to save your home from foreclosure. Most of all NEVER pay fees up front for future promises.

"The more gross the fraud, the more glibly will it go down, and the more greedily be swallowed, since folly will always find faith where impostors will find imprudence." Charles Caleb Cotton

"Rather fail with honor than succeed by fraud." Sophocles

Fraud is the ready minister of injustice." Edmund Burke

The Skinny on Mortgage Scams

Fraud has been around forever and of course takes many forms.  Mortgage fraud is consistently ranked in the the top 5 of financial scams.  During the boom years, mortgage fraud consisted mainly of overinflated appraisals  with investors or greedy mortgage brokers and banks selling high priced loans to ignorant and unqualified people.  Now that those avenues have largely dried up, mortgage scams have taken a new look- the loan modification.  The millions of Americans who have been affected by the recent economic climate are easy prey for these companies.  Having been in the mortgage business for a short time during the boom years as both a loan processor and real estate attorney's assistant; I became a little familiar with the complexity of mortgages.  Once going through the many steps of getting a mortgage written, it is even more difficult to change or void once it has been signed for.


Lenders have been swamped with requests by borrowers to perform loan modifications.  Because of this, it is very difficult and time consuming to get one through.  There are very strict guidelines for those to qualify for a modification.  If you are in this situation I want you to first: take stock.  Can you even afford the payments after they have been changed?  Sometimes it's just best to try to sell the home rather than try to keep something that you can't afford, even if this means a short sale.  If after deciding to go through with a modification, call your lender to see what the requirements are and get the proper paperwork started.  I have heard to keep your answers brief and direct.  Do not embellish and give unnecessary information.  The person at the mortgage company has a stack a foot tall and doesn't care about the details of why you got into this situation.  


If you decide to hire a company on your behalf to deal with the mortgage company, here are a few guidelines.  There are very few legitimate companies who actually know how to walk through this process.  As I said in my tip of the week, DO NOT give money up front for promises of the future.  Also do not fall for ads on late night cable selling 'magic software' to 'fix' your mortgage problems, these are bogus.  Do your research!  Check with the better business bureau and Google the company with the word 'scam' to see if there are any complaints leveled against the company you are considering.  If there are disgruntled customers out there, find them.  Don't give out your personal info over the phone or online, especially if they called or emailed you.  These are called phishing scams and are also among the top scams in the country.  Last but not least, prioritize!  If you are struggling with your house payment, remember the four walls.  This means that you pay your mortgage, utilities, food, & transportation first before you pay anything else.  I realize this may mean that someone doesn't get paid; but I'd rather have you current on your house and behind on MasterCard than the other way around.  This will buy you some time to get your income up, do a short sale, and sell other things.  These are stressful situations to deal with, but keep your chin up and don't fall victim to these scams out of fear of losing your house.  When it really comes down to it a house is just a place.  There are other places you can live and still create a home.

Tip & Quotes of the Week July 16-23

Finances while Grieving

When you are in the midst of grieving the loss of a loved one, you may feel pressured to make major decisions. While you will have to make some decisions, when it comes to your finances, don't make any major ones. This especially includes what to do with life insurance payouts.

Homework:
For at least 6 months, if not a year, just cry and focus on yourself. Work on establishing a new normalcy in your changed life. This is your time and shouldn't be intruded upon by making major decisions about money.

"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal." From a headstone in Ireland

"While grief is still fresh, every attempt to divert only irritates. You must wait till it be digested, and then amusement will dissipate the remains of it." Samuel Johnson

"Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o'er- fraught heart and bids it break." William Shakespeare

Grieving and Finances

This, perhaps, is the most sensitive of subjects I've written about.  It comes on the heels of returning from the funeral of the infant son of some dear friends of ours.  Since I learned of their sudden loss earlier this week, I have been reflecting some on how losing a loved one affects our ability to make decisions about money.  My advice on this subject is to abstain.  Don't make any major decisions about money for at least 6 months, if not a year, after losing a loved one.  This is especially true if you have lost your spouse.  When grief is so raw and tangible you can touch it, your ability to make wise decisions is clouded.  You are clearly not yourself and don't need to rush into decisions that you might regret later.  This includes but is not limited to: shopping to fill the void, investing in anything, and buying and selling real estate.  My one exception to this is to sell a home if you can no longer afford to live there. 


When it comes to insurance payouts, park the money in a CD or other savings account for a time to just cry and work through your grief.  Seek support groups and trained professionals to help you through the process, to begin to heal.  When and only when you feel like you are returning to a sense of normalcy, then you can use the money to pay down any debts you may have, including your home.  After that I would make sure you have a full emergency fund of 3-6 months of expenses.  Then, if you have any money left you can move on to investing for your children's or grandchildren's college or for your own new future.  Don't however (and this goes for all investments) invest in anything you don't fully understand or that sounds too good to be true.  No matter what, give yourself time to grieve.  This is your time so take it and don't feel guilty about it.

Tip & Quotes of the Week July 9-16

Overcoming Discouragement

Discouragement is one of those chronic life conditions that comes with being human. We all get discouraged at times, especially when it comes to our finances. When (not if) you start to feel discouraged, please remember, you're not alone. Someone is in the same boat you are in or has been there before and chances are someone is also worse off than you are too.

Homework:

Keep going even when the going gets tough. Know when to seek professional help, either for your finances with me, or with your mental health professional for depression. A fresh set of eyes on your situation will help a lot. Taking one day at a time helps keeping things in perspective.

"Develop success from failures. Discouragement and failure are two of the surest stepping stones to success." Dale Carnegie

"Permanence, perseverance and persistence in spite of all obstacles, discouragement, and impossibilities: it is this, that in all things distinguishes the strong soul from the weak."Thomas Carlyle

"Discouragement is not the absence of adequacy but the absence of courage." Unknown

"Every great work, every great accomplishment, has been brought to manifestation through holding to the vision, and often just before the big achievement comes apparent failure and discouragement." Florence Scovel Shinn

Hope Vs Financial Discouragement

Maybe it's because of the kind of week that I've had or maybe it's because I needed an infusion of hope and courage to fight past it.  That's why I chose this as a tip of the week.  Discouragement really is one of those things that comes with the territory of life experience.  There will always be forms of it constantly nipping at our heels.  Whether it's physical or mental challenges for us or our loved ones, relational or career disappointments or financial problems, discouragement takes many forms.  So how do you keep it at bay in a world plagued with discouragement?  Perspective is the key to giving you hope and courage.  Because without the proper perspective it's very easy to become negative and discouraged about your situation.  


I specifically want to talk about financial discouragement, since that's what I go up against when working with clients.  I think that's why I chose to print "Inspiring Hope and Change in your Finances" on my business cards.  There is nothing more satisfying for me than to see hope restored in a client's eyes when they realize that there situation is not really as bleak as they thought it was.  Hope is a great tool for fighting discouragement.  It gives you courage to fight another day, to try harder, and of course, to keep things in perspective.  Discouragement often holds people back so much that they think, "what's the point, nothing will make a difference."  So they just go on doing nothing about it.  If you are discouraged financially, like I have been this week, don't give up hope.  Don't lose sight of what you really are trying to accomplish.  Remember the goals that you have set and know that with persistence and diligence you will achieve them.  Sure you might have some setbacks, but everyone does.  If, however, you still need that extra kick in the pants to jolt you into action, know I am always here for you.  This is what I live for.

Tip & Quotes of the Week July 2-9

Financial Independence

When you think of independence, you might think of being able to do whatever you want. Like when you first moved out on your own and thought you had arrived. Then of course reality hits when the bills come. I guess this goes along with last week's tip. Debt can not nor ever will give you financial independence. But this weekend as we celebrate our nation's independence, I want you to think about what real financial freedom would look like for you.

Homework:

Dream a little about what life would be like if you were completely debt free. For some of you this may seem too far away to think about or achieve. If that's the case, set goals and with persistence and focus you will eventually get there. If you need help making a map to that dream don't be afraid to ask. One of the most rewarding things about what I do is seeing hope return as we make a map together. My point is that if you don't have a plan to get where you want, how do you know how to get there?

"The true value of a human being is determined primarily by the measure of and sense in which he has attained liberation from self." Albert Einstein

"A big part of financial freedom is having your heart and mind free from worry about the what-ifs of life." Suze Orman

"Conformity is the jailer of freedom and the enemy of growth."John F. Kennedy

True Financial Independence

This week as we celebrate the 234th anniversary of our nation's independence, I want you to take stock of your financial independence.  I'm not talking about the false sense of independence that debt gives you.  I'm talking about true independence or freedom that comes from not being a slave to your creditors.  The fact of the matter is that 7 out of 10 households in this country live paycheck to paycheck.  This is because we've chosen to have a mortgage that stretches us, a car payment or two, student loans, and to buy things on credit that we can't pay for, all in the name of financial independence.  We try to show the world how independent we are by having all these things.  When the reality is that we have made ourselves slaves one purchase and/or one loan at a time.  As a result, we may also be slaves to a job that we don't really like because we need that paycheck to make our payments.


Today, I want you to think outside the box.  If doing those things cause nothing but stress, worry and heartache, how is that freedom?  Today, I want you to dream about what it would be like to truly be financially free.  What would you be able to do or not have to do? Who would you help?  I'm asking you to dream about where you want to be and what you want to be able to do 5 or 10 years from now.  Now ask yourself if what you are doing today will lead you to or away from those dreams.  Some of you cynics might be thinking, "well, I won't ever get there, so what's the point of trying."  That attitude is exactly what is going to stop you from even trying, let alone, actually achieving your dreams.  One of my favorite quotes is by Zig Ziglar, it's one of his mantras.  "If you aim at nothing, you hit it every time."  He also says that, "failure is an event, not a person."  


I guess what I'm trying to say is that no matter where you stand financially today, what are you doing to achieve your dreams of tomorrow?  Remember true financial independence comes from hard work and patience.  Only you can decide if it's worth striving for.  Celebrate your Independence Day by choosing to make changes that lead to financial independence!

Tip & Quotes of the Week June 25-July 2

Debt is NOT a tool to build wealth

Contrary to what most financial people will tell you, debt really is NOT a tool to build wealth. The truth is, your greatest wealth building tool is your income. If all your money goes out the door to pay somebody else, it will be impossible for you to save and build wealth. The only thing debt does for its user is cause stress, frustration, and hopelessness. It's a tool alright, just not one to cause prosperity because it has the opposite effect-bondage.

Homework

Think about it, has using debt been a blessing to you? (If it had you probably wouldn't be struggling financially and therefore not reading this right now.) Remember broke is normal. So I'm challenging you to not accept the status quo. If you are tired of being a rat in a wheel, break the cycle. This requires you to think and more importantly, do differently.

"A man in debt is so far a slave." Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Debt, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slavedriver." Ambrose Bierce

"Debt is the fatal disease of republics, the first thing and the mightiest to undermine governments and corrupt the people."Wendell Phillips